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SEQUELS WEEK: The Bad - A Nightmare on Elm Street 2

SEQUELS WEEK
The Bad - A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 recap
By Ian Austin



Ya know, people tend to assume you're 'homophobic' if you admit to having no interest in Brokeback Mountain. I defend it by saying I'm not a fan of dramas between 'straight' couples either, but there's always that undercurrent of doubt from the other person. Luckily, horror fans have A Nightmare On Elm Street, Part Two (or ANOES 2) as a retort; as it is quite possibly the most brilliantly homoerotic film ever made.

I don't mean that as an insult, by the way. The truth is, as I'll go into in this recap, is that ANOES II is not a very good film. The only redeeming feature of it is the fact that the film doesn't seem to realise what sort of film it actually is until the end. Like Inception, the point is obvious to everyone except the main character (and, in this case, also the director.) So let's sit back, and enjoy one of the most amazingly insane (and funny) horror sequels that you're ever likely to watch. Or, in this case, read about out.

And here... we... go...

The film starts, as you do, with a big yellow school bus driving while angelic or satanic, depending on your persuasion, plays. Then three slashes appear in the screen, to remind me I forgot to recap The Wolverine. Oops. It's also the cue for the title to appear in a disgusting eighties font.

FREDDY'S REVENGE.

But he got revenge in the first one. Kinda. As much revenge as you can get given you're a pedophilic idiot, at any rate. So I'm not sure what he wants revenge for here. I guess he just has that complexity that mere mortals can't understand his logic.

And it's in a colour that can be aptly described as BLUE STEEL. I'm sure Ben Stiller watched this film and thought 'hmm, it'd be better if the homoerotic subtext was between me and some guy with blonde hair. But who?' And thus, Zoolander was born.

The bus is still driving by the way. For the six of you who aren't schooled in horror, this is a dream sequence. You know it's a dream sequence because ANOES is the biggest cheat ever when it comes to trying to convince the audience that things are really happening. When they try to make it seem a dream sequence, it's real; when they try to make it real, it's a dream sequence.

AND ROBERT ENGLUND AS FREDDY KRUEGER

Yes kids, before Saw there were other horror films with ludicrous mythologies and overrunning storylines that didn't make a damn lick of sense. Like ANOES, or Friday The 13th, or Halloween... Halloween, with the Nazi cults and the ressurections and the clones...

Robert Englund is driving the bus, by the way. Or Freddy is, rather. Sorry, after watching A New Nightmare I start to get confused.

Cue Jesse's intro. Those of you who watched Wedding Crashers will note Jesse is eerily similar to the actor who playes Christopher Walken's son. I don't believe that was unintentional. They go out of their way to make Jesse look weird (bad haircut, slumped, intense eyes, sat next to a fat kid holding a boombox.)

The school bus looks like a decepticon.

We've switched from angelic or satanic music to 'DEE DOO DUM' style music. This can only mean kids are gonna die. And the writer's going to blame he didn't intend that, like he didn't intend Jesse to have a 'leap out the closet' story-arc.

'Oh no, look who's behind us.' OUR FIRST STAB OF HOMOPHOBIA. Jesse ignores it of course; likely because the hair covering his ears means he can't hear anything. What was wrong with the 1980s for appalling haircuts and homophobic, ugly chicks with plastic watches?

Luckily, the bus doesn't stop. Freddy's not homophobic. Not yet, anyway. So he wants to teach these girls a lesson. And if Jesse has to die too, so be it. Because Freddy, as mentioned, isn't homophobic; so he can't treat Jesse differently from everyone else. If the girls die, Jesse has to die too. It's called equality, people.

DRIVER THAT WAS MY STOP.

It's worth noting she didn't actually press a button to indicate that was her stop. I know this is a dream sequence, but still; what, Freddy's meant to be telepathic? I mean he is, but how does she know that? SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S A DREAM. I JUST... RAAHAHGHGHGHGHG.

(ten minutes later)

Okay, I'm calm...er!

Lightning and thunder appear as the dream starts collapsing. Jesse tries to give himself a kick, but they're in the desert and there's no water. Freddy is gunning it to 88mph, but nothing's happening. So he's going to turn day to night like this is X-Men 3.5, and strand them on a rock towering above Hell. Which seems overly complex for Freddy, but it's his revenge... HIS REVENGE.

REVENGE.

And we're only 4 minutes in. (sighs)

Jesse hits the windows, a clear and subtle 'he's trying to come out the closet' moment. Except if he exits the bus, he's going to Hell. That's pretty creepy. Then again, maybe it's a test. If he comes out, he'll be deemed brave and go to Heaven. Course, this is a dream so it's all moot.

Freddy skips into frame and starts laughing in the style of a 1960s Batman villain. The girls start saying that Freddy is coming, and he gives them a mischievous wink and a curled smile. You bet he's coming, ladies. Watch out, this kitten's got claws.

'We've got to keep balanced.' Jesus, these girls are homophobic.

Freddy swipes his claws, and we cut to a tomato being sliced. My God, what a cut. Literally. I could learn a lot from someone with such a directorial flourish.

It's breakfast in the Walter White household. Walter, his wife Godiva and daughter Walter Jr are eating breakfast. They hear Jesse scream. None of them care. Their house is creepy; golden chicken style crap on the wall. Absolutely revolting. Walter Jr asks why Jesse is such a freak.

'Well, once upon a time he saw a film called Midnight Cowboy... and ever since then he's just been so fabulous.'

Jesse wakes up covered in... I'll say sweat. Yeah, sweat. He's doing that stupid Hollywood thing of wearing tighty-whities. I just can't believe those are an actual thing on screen, or in real-life. And he starts adjusting his cock. Jesus... just buy a pair of fucking boxer shorts.

And we cut to two eggs surrounding by white, gooey liquid. This film is making the jokes for me.

Walter wants Jesse's room cleaned up. I think he's hinting that he wants Jesse to come out the closet so that he, himself, can as well, but I think he's overestimating Jesse's intelligence. I mean he wears tighty-whities, clearly he's an absolute idiot of the highest order. Anyway, Walter Jr tries to pour cereal into a glass of milk. Jesse tells her not to. God, Jesse's such an asshole.

It turns out Walter Jr is trying to get The Mandarin fingers. Of course she is.

Godvia asks Jesse if he's all right. He says it's too hot up there, he's having trouble sleeping. Walter White tells his wife that there's nothing wrong with the air conditioning. Then calls her Mom. Oh God, this is just like Skins - where gangsters call their girlfriends 'mate' 'son' 'blud' and 'boy.'

And Walter Jr has found The Mandarin fingers. But she never saw them coming. Also, Freddy's influencing the real world again. BEE BOO BEE BOOP CONTINUITY ERROR ALARM BEE BOO BEE BOOP!

The continuity error alarm blares so hard I miss the rest of the scene. I assume stuff happened for reasons.

I pick up with Lisa at the door. We first see Lisa from behind so we're not sure whether it's a girl or an effeminate surfer. She turns around and... well, I feel bad for that actress given this film is about Jesse coming out. But she has red hair, so I'm going to choose to believe she's Jean Grey and she's lost her mind post X-Men 3, gone back in time, switched actresses, and in the end will kill Freddy using her mind.

As you've likely deduced, I rewrite these horror films as I go along in these recaps.

They flirt. Now look, I'm no expert on flirting. Or women in general. But I can safely say that if I tried the style of flirting from ANOES Part 2, I'd... be even more unsuccessful. And that's saying a lot. Also, who'd steal Jesse's car. It's as rusty and broken down as his mind.

Some kids are going Mutant Growth Hormone at school. Jesse's up to bat, holding a wooden stick and trying to hit some balls. He keeps striking out. Come on Jesse, hit those balls. Jean Grey's watching, and laughs as Jesse is knocked out by a ball to the mouth. I think he'll need to train himself there. Coach 80s comes over, and tells Jesse to pay attention: and that training isn't important, the will to act is everything.

Ya know, I think Coach 80s could be called Cock 80s and it'd fit. He's giving serious 'Bad Medicine' stares at Jesse. This really is the weirdest Breaking Bad/X-Men prequel fan-fic ever.

Jesse and Grady start... fighting, I guess. This must also be a prequel to The Shining. I use the term fighting loosely, as Grady tries to get a base and slides right into Jesse's crotch, so Grady pulls down Jesse's trousers (not pants, trousers. Americans) exposing his ass, and some random guy says 'NAIL HIM.' So Grady and Jesse tumble to the floor and if this was a porno, they would start making fuck right there and then. Jesse hasn't even pulled up his pants - so now he's got sand all over his ass and he's being mounted by a guy who two seconds ago was holding a big wooden stick and smashing balls into Jesse's mouth. Cock 80s slowly breaks it up, manhandling both boys because that's his secret, he's always horny. He even tells them both to assume the position. So Grady and Jesse do push-ups side by side, less push-ups than the two of them humping the ground.

Am I even needed here?

Cock 80s has changed (of course he has) and stares out of blinds with a prison bar look at Jesse and Grady humping mother Earth. It's a cruel punishment to make Jesse hump a female, isn't it? Which, why are they still doing push-ups? Just leave. Cock 80s doesn't have super speed. Although he does hang around queer S & M joints downtown, apparently. Jean Grey watches them through an X in a chicken-wire fence, and remembers that she'd been involved in another love-triangle with two other idiots forced to do degrading things by a creepy pseudo-father figure.

'Okay dirtballs, hit the shower.'

I have nothing.

Turns out the White family live in the old Elm Street house. Jesse doesn't believe it. I wouldn't either. We all saw The Shining. Grady's a lying asshole who may/may not be a furry. Not that there's anything wrong with being a furry. ANYWAY... Jesse can't sleep. He goes downstairs, thankfully not wearing tighty-whities, but drops liquid on the floor anyway. And Freddy's creeping outside. So Jesse investigates. Ya know, I think this may be a dream sequence. Just a hunch. Least these dragged out sequences make this recap shorter.

Freddy is burning copies of The Avengers on DVD (thanks Freddy.) Jesse shrugs and goes back inside. But then he opens a door and finds Freddy's 'pedo-room.' And he can't leave because, well, Freddy doesn't want to go back to jail. Freddy gets the drop on Jesse using teleportation, and... Jesse isn't putting up much of a fight. Freddy says they have special work to do, and I could've sworn the guy winked and sang a few bars from 'Fiddler On The Roof.' What a charmer.

'You've got the body, I've got the brain.'

Oh God, astral projection. Which he didn't need in the first one. Or use again. I'm going to choose to believe this Freddy is actually The Shadow King from X-Men. It's the only way this film makes even a degree of sense. Yes folks, I am rewriting the film while I'm recapping it while I'm watching it in real-time.

Hold your applause.

Jesse wakes up screaming. Godiva and Walter enter. They want to call a doctor. Jesse says no. I think Charles Xavier could erase Freddy from your mind with ease. We cut to school for a 'don't eat junk food' sciense lesson. Thanks for having that after I eat a bag of crisps, assholes. Jesse, wearing one of my old shirts, starts sleeping as kids make jokes about the heart. Grady wants to mess with Jesse while he's asleep, maybe by sending him to an old hotel.

So another dream sequence as a slitherly serpent appears on Jesse's should. I know, I know. He starts choking on it, gasping for air. Wakes up screaming. Look, Jesse, just come out the closet... oh, wait, it was an actual snake. Why is there an actual snake? Who let it out? Why is no one concerned it got out?

Change scene to a swimming pool. Jean is swimming. Her mother emerges, saying there's a Jesse on the phone. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOOD GOD. THAT IS AN ACTUAL LINE. I JUST... OH MY GOD.

All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. vAll work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ian a dull boy.

When I awake from that nervous breakdown, the film's skipped to 23:59. I'm sure I didn't miss anything important. Jesse's in Freddy's porn-room, pulling out Freddy's claws. Now Jesse's the kitten with the claws. The porn-room engages flame-on mode. Jesse is being told to kill for Freddy the Shadow King. Do it yourself, you lazy git.

Jean tells Jesse he might of been having a premonition. Jean would know. Kitty Pryde appears. Jesse isn't sure what film he's in. He has a very chaste kiss with Jean, then goes running with Grady. They discuss wet-dreams. They trash Cock 80s, not realising he's behind them. Then they have to hump mother Earth again.

Godiva puts a cover over their birds, saying it's so hot in the room. Why are they so subtle with Jesse? Just tell him he's fabulous. Jesse makes a 'hot as an oven' joke that I find very crass and offensive. One bird explodes, the other goes crazy and this turns into a Birdemic prequel as well. Better effects,amusingly. Not sure how a tiny bird can knock over a lamp, but the bird self-combusts to make the point moot.

They discuss what made the birds go crazy and explode. Walter White gets angry when his crystal meth theory is put down. He then accusses Jesse of launching a cherry bomb. No one points out that Jesse would be happier if he could launch a cherry comb into a dusty cavern.

Dream sequence. Thor's lightning destroys a plate. Jesse goes downtown to an S & M club. The place is called 'Don's Place.' So Don is the place? I get flashbacks to Pier Pressure in Aberystwyth with the decor - I really hate nightclubs. The bartender looks like Bennett from Commando. Jesse does a shot of beer. Cock 80s finds Jesse, and makes him run laps at the school. His punishment must be more severe. Cock 80s tells Jesse to hit the shower while Cock 80s gets the bondage rope.

Oh, it's not a dream sequence. Jesse starts making balls in Cock 80s office explode. He changes the interior design of the office. Balls start hitting Cock 80s face. He's tougher than Jesse. This man has experience. The ropes tie around his arms and tie him to a wall. He's forced against the wall, facing it, then is stripped naked, whipped repeatedly on the ass with a towel.

Jesse turns into Freddy. Freddy scratches Cock 80s until he's bleeding profusely. Then turns back into Jesse. Who then screams. God-DAMN can he stop screaming

Two cops take Jesse back home. They say he needs a leash. That's really homophobic. Jesse doesn't answer either of the questions re: drugs. I think he's lying. And this is the point when the film goes to Hell, because usually there's a plausible explanation and here it's clear Jesse's being tormented by ridiculously stupid mutants (like The Shadow King.)

Walter White says Jesse needs a kick in the butt. Then he almost falls off a ladder. BOTCH!

The reveal that Cock 80s is dead is revealed to the students. It's such an important scene that we transition to Jesse in... TIGHTY WHITIES AGAIN. And a close-up on them no less. Freddy tells Jesse to kill for him again. Jesse, in clothes thankfully, wanders the house and is tormented by Freddy's cheer section. He's told that Freddy's coming for him, and he better lock his door. Only Freddy isn't a sonic screwdriver, he can turn a friggin' door handle.

Walter White downplays the crazy girl from ANOES. Walter White threatens to lose his rag. And Walter Jr smells something burning. IT'S THE TOAST. BUT HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED? It's the craziest thing Walter White's ever seen. Uh... a bird self-combusted.

Jean and Jesse go somewhere. She tells him it's all in his mind. I think Jean's slowly remembering she's a telepath. They've driven to the Krueger Estate, a once lavish Victorian manor long since reduced to ash. They made their money in scented candles. Jean delivers exposition on Freddy, and Jesse makes it all about him. Asshole. We see Jean try so hard to make Jesse see, but he's too stupid to let her help him telepathically.

(Ian took a break at this point to eat, drink, try to sleep, and remember that deep down he does enjoy this film.)

There's a rusty old book, a heirloom of the Krueger dynasty. Or is it a locker of some kind? I was right the second time, it's a locker; a sexy, rusty locker. Porn music plays. Is this when Jesse comes out of the closet? No, because it's a locker. But maybe Freddy comes out of the locker? I think Freddy's already come out as being distinctly Freddy. So we go close on the locker, closer, closer closer and CLOSER JUST OPEN IT JESSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

He does. Inside the locker is a rat. Jean becomes terribly upset. Not sure why. It's one of the cutest rats ever. And survived being in a locker for... KILL IT JESSE, IT'S A FREDDY RAT. Jesse doesn't, instead he hugs Jean and thinks about Cock 80s. This is really one of the worst romances ever, which is one of the amusing things about this film. Like Top Gun, the chemistry just isn't there; which must have inspired Ben Stiller to make Starsky and Hutch a film about Starsky and Hutch parodying romantic comedy tropes.

The boiler sets on fire with a 'TWUUUNNN' on the soundtrack. We get a FREDDY POV camera angle as more 'TWUUUNNN' fills the soundtrack. We pass a picture of Ringo Starr drawn by Marge Simpson, and are in... the Walter White residence? Okay. The FREDDY POV starts going crazy, getting lost in a great homage to Spinal Tap. It decides to taunt Walter Jr by telling her one day Iron Man 3 will be written/directed by Shane Black. She doesn't believe it, but you always bet on Black.

And PAUSED.

SIDENOTE: why is Freddy only just bothering Walter White Jr? Isn't his thing 'I kidnap little girls, but I'm not a pedophile until I'm played by the guy who played angry Batman in Watchmen?' Why go for Jesse first? Unless this is really Inception. In which case, WHO BUH WHUH?

UNPAUSED.

Oh, it's Jesse-Freddy-Shadow King-Man. Okay. He tells Walter Jr to go back to sleep. I just... why would you wake her up then? God, Jesse's such an asshole. And now he's drinking coke and taking caffeine pills. Jesse, I speak from experience, don't. You'll be up at 4am and the walls will start talking to you. You might even think you're a Ghostbuster for an hour or two. Also, 'Sta-Up?' I hope someone got fired over that. It goes without saying that Jesse looks terrible, wearing... I think it's loosely a shirt, but there's no obvious buttons and it's the colour of a swamp.

The paperboy misses the house by 4 meters.

Jesse comes down for breakfast. He says he slept fine. Godiva says he looks better. I don't think this family has it all together. It's like the actors playing Walter and Godiva are treating this like a parody, their lack of feels and poor observation is amazing. Jesse is, comparatively, playing it straight.

...

Ya know, when he's not wrestling bare-assed with Grady.

Jesse unloads on Jean. 'My dad thinks I'm on drugs. My mom thinks I'm crazy. My sister thinks The Avengers is overrated. And you know, at this point, I don't know if I don't agree with her.' That's nice... hey wait a second.

'I don't know if I don't agree with her.'

...

Jean and Kitty Pryde are in the school cafeteria. They're discussing Jesse. For some reason, Grady wants to hang out with Jesse. They can get a pizza. I'm not entirely sure whether these two are friends now, or Grady is up for banging, because their dynamic changes between scenes. He gets out of going out with Kitty by saying he threw his grandmother down a flight of stairs. That's a weird way of saying 'I'm hitting Jesse.'  Jesse snaps at Jean's attempts to read his mind, telling her 'I'M NOT SPARTACUS.' Grady then becomes an antagonist again by calling Jesse a 'basket case.' Seriously, can they not even keep continuity in the same scene? Grady snaps, storms off, and then returns. 'See you around, buddy.'

At this point I'm laughing. What a weird film.

Naturally, after this tense scene, we cut to Walter White cooking burgers. And thank GOD these burgers look cooked. Actually cooked. Not this 'pink on the inside' RUBBISH that films do. I mean, Jesus... what sort of weirdo eats uncooked meat? If your burger is pink on the inside, or dripping with blood... Jesus. Seriously. Makes me ill thinking about it. The point of cooking is to cook the Got-damn food so that it isn't raw. If it's raw you prefer, why don't you man up and go fight a cow to the death, then eat from the dead corpse? Don't stick it on a grill for two seconds, then daintily eat it with a fork. Fucking under-cooked food... I swear to God, it's that and Hollywood's obsession with middle-class families eating salad and having a wine cellar that just make me see red. COOK YOUR GOT-DAMN BURGERS PROPERLY, PEOPLE!

Oh, Walter White isn't cooking the food. Jacque Nicholson is. And it's a teen party, a party for teens. Ms Nicholson wants some Prince dance action. She tells Jean to behave. This party was loosely set-up by the way, so fair play for a scene worth of foreshadowing. Kitty Pryde hooks up with Bobby Drake, while Jean tries to smash down a door to talk to Jesse.

Oh, I think it's time for AWKWARD SEX.

There's no candles and no Coldplay, but what there is is a lack of chemistry. Which has to be intentional, right? I'm positive the guy playing Jesse wanted to subvert the genre by stealthily making this a 'come out of the closet' horror film. This scene is like watching two seals mack, by the way. Jacque Nicholson goes to sleep, and the stupid teens play music loudly. Bobby turns the pool to ice, and Kitty starts having a phase-gasm. Jesse and Jean continue their stunningly unerotic love scene. Jean thinks of Wolverine, Jesse thinks of Grady, and then Jesse's tongue becomes a... snake, tongue? It's slimy and boiley and flaccid... yes, it's his tongue, okay. He can't go through with it, at any rate. This scene isn't bad actually, in theory. I mean Jesse's terrible as a person here for treating Jean like crap, but the undercurrent of 'why don't you want me?' is well-acted by the woman playing Jean. We've all felt that vulnerable before, most of us because of someone who's an absolute asshole like Jesse.

Bobby turns the ice back to water, and humps Kitty until she's phased below the swimming pool. The neighbourhood kids jump in, and Bobby looks sheepish. I don't think that pool is particularly sanitary at this point.

Jesse breaks into Grady's house, and... leaps on top of him, covering his mouth with his hand. This isn't how guys act. Jesse needs to stay there tonight. Grady points out this is ridiculous. He acts confused when Jesse says he killed Cock 80s (that's a running joke which fulfills the 'law of diminishing returns!') Jesse continues by saying something inside of him made him to his sisters room. At this point, wouldn't you call the cops? I mean he looks like a serial killer in general. Grady seems most bewildered by Jesse's inability to tap Jean Grey. He's more discombobulated when Jesse says something is trying to get inside his body, telling Jesse that yes, someone is - Jean. That it's called sex and is awesome. Jesse gives a 'buh?' expression. Jesse slumps down, makes 'correct me, Grady' eyes, and then sighs wistfully. Grady, being an enlightened guy, shrugs. He'll watch Jesse, and stealth brag about it in twenty years time on Neogaf. Jesse makes sure that Grady understands that, should anything weird happen, he has to hit him over the head. Sounds reasonable. He wraps up by telling Grady not to let him fall asleep. That's also reasonable - I mean who wants to fall asleep mid-act.

Kitty Pryde and Jean talk about Jesse. The former says the mid-latter should go see the latter. What crap advice. Grady is watching bad films about 'funnels' and 'bottomless pits.' Jesse is asleep. YOU HAD ONE JOB, GRADY. His punishment must be, and is, very severe. Jesse starts bugging out. Grady hops out of bed in jean shorts (!) Jesse goes SNIKT and Wolverine claws appear. He's somehow locked Grady's door from the outside while in the room. Freddy takes over Jesse from the inside out, first as an eye inside his throat (awesome effect) and then through his stomach. Astral projection sure has changed a lot. Freddy corrects Grady, forcing him into an eternity of work at the Overlook Hotel. Freddy skewers Grady, then leaves Jesse to take the rap. That is COLD-BLOODED!

Jesse freaks out, despite Freddy exiting his body graphically. He also stands there and starts yelling no, not a good idea when Mr & Mrs Winthorpe are yelling for Ronnie. I wonder who Ronnie is briefly, then remember I changed the name to Grady to make some bad jokes. Like this film, I'm not sure what's real or not anymore. Going metatextual on this mother. Run Jesse, you fool; ya damn fool.

Police sirens echo. The party is in full swing downstairs. This is when the film kicks it into fifth gear and becomes genuinely fantastic. I mean it makes no sense whatsoever, but this... this is a genuine 'third act salvation' moment. Not like The Avengers.

It's a (clothed) orgy of debauchery, sin, and cooked food (raw food, grow up people) by a pool. Jean bounces along, wearing Cyclops visor on top of her head. She remembers now, and it's time to kick some ass. Jesse takes her inside. She sees how freaked out he is, and knows that she can use this. Their awful sexual encounter made her remember everything, and she can use this putz to her advantage at killing Freddy the Shadow King Krueger.

'He's inside me, I'm scared.'

Calm down, Jesse! Now's not the time for fear. That comes later. Jean starts faking tears. She's going to save the day and avenge her poor story from X-Men 3. I mean she's logical, Jesse's a blithering idiot. Jean knows how to take down Freddy King Jr. She just has to manipulate Jesse for a while longer. But we're BACK to the pool, which is bubbling despite Bobby being there. DAMNIT BOBBY, FREEZE THE POOL - or kids are gonna die.

Weiners flame on. This is the greatest scene in any horror film, as Freddy is destroying the laws of logic. Sadly we cut away for Jean to explain to Jesse what's going on. And then back to the pool. Turns out Freddy doesn't need a dream anymore, or Jesse, he's taking corporeal form. Which... look, I can't search for logic anymore. I'm just going to assume Jesse's mutant power is like Rogue's, he can do anything and he's being body-snatched by Fred Fred The Shadow King Jr.

How else do you explain telekinesis?

So Fred attacks Jean, who throws a towel at him. Yes Jean, lure him into a false sense of security. THEN PHOENIX HIS ASS. She uses telekinesis to smash a lamp into his face. The door won't open as she tries to leave. So she uses telekinesis to... resist the pain of Freddy biting her leg. The pool is still burning, Bobby refusing to ICE OVER THE WATER. Jean grabs a knife using telekinesis as Freddy yells 'I AM JESSE NOW.' Jean uses telekinesis to stab Freddy, but it's not a deep wound, in fact it's brilliantly awful.

Jean has flashbacks to Wolverine when Freddy caresses her face with his claws. She's thrown against the wall, knocked out on impact. Freddy jumps through a glass window, then teleports mid-impact. Why jump through it when? Oh right, logic. This film makes continuity errors within the same scene. Freddy leaps up from the sewers, invading the party. Teens run. Freddy starts smashing shit up. He puts a smile on some kids face, electrifies barbwire, and then sets WATER ON FIRE.

... answers on an e-mail to IAustin.ian@gmail.com.

Freddy burns one stupid teen alive. Freddy throws pool furniture around. One teen steps on another. Freddy stabs a kid in the gut. A teen tells Freddy to calm down. Jacque Nicholson grabs a shotgun. Freddy throws the calm teenager into the barbecue. 'You are all my children now.' Jacque Nicholson misses Freddy from point blank range with a shotgun. Jean tries to get through Jesse using telepathy. No dice.

We see Freddy flame on, then phase through a hedge.

Jean finds Jesse at a building of some kind. That might've been set up in the section where I had a nervous breakdown. She wraps her bite wound, shrugging off her likely rabies by using the Phoenix Force. Some weird dogs with human faces start going crazy. Jean tells them to chill, and they do. Oh, I guess we're at the Krueger Mansion. Jean walks through it, getting Alkali Lake flashbacks from X-Men 2. But no time for continuity, Doctor Jones, she's got to kick Freddy's ass so hard he can only make ten sequels, not twenty. Fred The Wolverine Shadow King Jr stalks Jean. It's hard to recap scenes which boil down to 'creeper stalks creepily.' So just assume entire minutes pass between my sentences.

So Jean walks up the stairs as the camera operator almost passes out from boredom and nearly drops the camera. The rat from before, the cute one, is eaten by a Hulk Dog. Jean nearly falls and breaks her neck, then realises it was an illusion. Her telepathy isn't as good as I remember. Freddy gets the drop on her, then loses her. What an idiot. Oh, he's playing with her. And scrapes his claws again. He does that so much, and it's always annoying. He slashes Jean's arm... with his non-clawed hand.

Jean tells Jesse she loves him as a friend, and Jesse fights the Shadow King's grip. Wait, now I get it - he's coming out literally twice: once out of Freddy's body, once out of the closet. Jean starts using extreme telepathy to bitch-slap Freddy mentally, a really awesome moment. She clearly hates Jesse, but damnit... she hates Freddy more. Man, I have chills at Jean finally using her powers awesomely. She has to redeem herself for X-Men 3, and uses a new power: telekinetic kissing. Freddy starts bugging out, knowing he's screwed. He sets things on fire as a hollow gesture, but his trickey is weak at this point and he knows it. Also, he died in a fire. What an idiot. Robert Englund makes groany noises as his stunt-double is set on fire.

The sight of the fire causes Jean to have a heroic bluescreen of death. She fights the urge to Phoenix out, ending her X-Men character arc and paying off the set-up that X-Men 3 forgot to. Freddy is burned alive.

But wait, he's raised his hand. FREDDY AIN'T DEAD. Jean's going to have to Phoenix up. Only wait... IT'S JESSE. He's alive. Jesse is alive. And he's accepted that he's gay. Oh, this is so heartwarming. Jean is happy that she's finally beat a bad guy, even if she had to leap back in time and to another franchise to do it. I wonder what ANOES 2 was originally like? Ah well. Jean hugs Jesse, content that soon she can travel forward in time to X-Men 4.

And that's the film wrapped.

Oh wait, there's another dream sequence. Freddy's not dead. Jean's left to go back to the Xavier Institute. Jesse's gone insane, and he can't be helped. I'd object, but he really doesn't deserve a happy ending after being one of the most unlikeable lead characters in any film, ever. And the film is showing true equality: Jesse isn't treated any differently to anyone else. Like all horror film males, he's killed off violently.

So there you have it. My recap of ANOES 2. I think deep down I have a level of affection for this film being absolutely insane. But, like Jesse, I had to fight my inner nature before admitting that yes - I'm okay with myself. The difference is I made a lot of jokes in the process, and was able to admit that I enjoyed this film. Jesse never actually says 'I am gay' throughout the film, it's all subtextual that he's gay.

I hope you enjoyed this rant. I nearly went insane-r writing it.



Follow Ian on Twitter: @I_A_Austin

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