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Showing posts from December, 2013

Haddonfield's X-Rated Xmas: Bikini Bloodbath Christmas

Bikini Bloodbath Christmas eh? Where to begin?
Director Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour's final part in the Bikini Bloodbath trilogy thankfully draws to its end.
The plot begins in an American head shop which marks itself out from the competition by having its staff of woman dress in bikinis to sell the products. The film feels its important to differentiate one of the women by the fact she has very large breasts. We know they think its important because a sizeable amount (no really, no pun intended, I would never waste a pun on this “film”) of time is spent observing them.
The head shop is run by some pantomime queen I have already forgotten the name of. He/she/it is played by some barrel-gutted male who is clearly having a much better time in the film than any of the girls playing his bikini clad staff.
Anyway, the drag queen character calls one of the women who is clearly not fat, fat. He refers to her as pregnant and as a sow. Its deeply offensive on every level. They…

Haddonfield's X-Rated Xmas - Silent Night (2012) Review

Since the early-noughties it seems we've been subjected to a rolling, never-ending, steamroller of horror remakes, the tenacity of which the Russian army would be in admiration of (thank you for saving everyone in World War 2).
Starting with films that are considered absolute classics of cinema like The Omen and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was the obvious starting point. It was after the vultures of the film industry had picked these prime pieces of meat clean however that they were forced to move on to remaking films that couldn't be sold on the basis of them being based on an absolute classic. It could however make up for it with public awareness of their notoriety. Films like The Last House on the Left and I Spit On Your Grave - essentially films that were, or very believably could have been, video nasties.

And so we roll around to the inevitable remake of Charles E. Sellier Jr.'s 1984 Silent Night, Deadly Night. Undoubtedly one of the most controversial films of the 80s…

Haddonfield's X-Rated Xmas - A Cadaver Christmas

Well, kids, A Cadaver Christmas is pretty much what it sounds like. A low budget, poorly acted black comedy about cadavers coming to life. No, they are not zombies. They are cadavers. A cray-cray professor working in the cadaver lab at the University has been doing some off the books work and now a parasite has caused the cadavers to come to life. Enter the janitor, the drunk, the bartender, the cop, the cop's perp and a school security guard. This motley group takes it upon itself to exterminate the cadavers. The janitor has an extreme and amusing tenacity when it comes to cleaning up messes, so, he instantly becomes the group leader.
The really great thing about this movie is the way it looks. It looks like a grindhouse movie:scratchy looking film, cigarette burns and sometimes you even see the actual  film go crooked across the screen.  The acting is sub-par, but this feels intentional. The use of practical f/x is well done and there is plenty of blood to go around. Unfortuna…

The Walking Dead Season 4 - "Too Far Gone" Review *contains spoilers*

So here we are at the mid-season finale. An episode filled with death and destruction, as The Governor invades the prison. This is an episode that is more concerned with action than anything else, but it at least delivers some nice emotional moments and moves the plot along significantly.

Now let us first deal with the two massive deaths in this episode. Firstly Hershel is decapitated by The Governor. This is a massive blow to the show as Hershel is quite literally the heart of it. He is the moral compass, the caring father figure and the only character who is still sympathetic. He (and Scott Wilson) will be deeply missed. His death is a cheap way of exploiting the audience's emotions, but it is also a drastic change to the show's dynamic. Without Hershel the survivors will probably fall deeper into despair. The showrunners chose wisely when picking the big victim for this episode. This gives the show a boost in its dramatic potential as the fallout from Hershel's death w…

UK TV Horror Guide - 14-20 December

Picks in bold
Ch Time Reason for watching Sat 14 The Birds SFH 2.50 Hitchcock knows his (bird)shit Deep Rising SFH 4.55 Big worms eat ship Psychopath Night C4 9.00 Psycho-themed evening. Yay Die Hard E4 9.00 You asked for a miracle, I give you.. Don't Let Him In H 9.00 Oh you did already? Shit. Piranha 3DD S3D 10.00 3D boobs and a severed penis