From the sublime to the ridiculous. Wolfpaw gets his teeth into another vampire film...
I like vampire films.
Let me rephrase that, I like good vampire films i.e. Near Dark or Let the Right One In.
There are so many vampire films to choose from there is a good chance that somewhere along the line you are going to watch a bad one.
You can usually tell good from bad by who is involved either as Director or Producer but even that can be fraught with problems.
In 1998 John Carpenter made a pretty decent vampire film "Vampires" starring James Woods. Two bankable people and the resulting film was good if not wonderful, however…..
A sequel was planned but Carpenter was only producer on this one and as it was part of a supposed trilogy of like stories not a true sequel the cast was changed, lose James Woods get Jon Bon Jovi (as Derek Bliss --- oh dear).
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
That piece of nonsense from a mathematician has more sanity and sense in it than this film ever had.
What flashes before your eyes is probably one of the most awful vampire films ever made.
Jon Bon Jovi is a vampire hunter with all the tools for the job, hidden in a nifty surfboard, similar to the guitar in Desperado, but to have him swanning around in a jeep with a surf board in the desert really does not give much credence to his need for anonymity.
As for his assistants, oh he has to have them, one is a priest who is not a priest and the rest are barely breathing.
So we head off to battle the vampires with the usual super weaponry (any chance we could revert to just a cross of silver and garlic for once) and yee haw … Jon Bon Jovi triumphs over the evilness that is abroad, albeit with a lot of bad acting probably due to all that bad medicine.
You are left wondering if the whole thing actually ever happened or whether you dreamt it all, trust me even your worst nightmares cannot be as bad as this load of tosh.
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Image from Amazon
YOU CAN BUY VAMPIRES LOS MUERTOS FOR UNDER A FIVER AT: