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Haddonfield Horror's X-Mas Feast - Blood Diner

Blood Diner poster


It's getting close to Xmas so prepare the table, get seated and tuck in to Haddonfield Horror's Xmas Feast, whats on the menu? Human and lots of it. @MsLauraHall stops by the Blood Diner for you...

Some films are bad. Some films are so bad that they’re good. Then there is Blood Diner, a film that tries to be so bad that its good, but fails at this so spectacularly that it’s actually really, really, really good.

Stay with me, folks.

The film follows two brothers and their uncle, who happens to be a talking pickled brain in a jar. They are on a mission to summon the goddess Shetar by constructing her a body out of the parts of women they murder. In the meantime, they run a vegetarian diner and feed their sexy lady off-cuts to their unsuspecting patrons.

Blood Diner was intended as a black comedy tribute to Herschell Gordon Lewis’ pivotal Blood Feast, but it lacks the self-awareness of even Lewis’ oeuvre. It tries to knowingly wink at B-Movies past, but its incompetence means the wink feels more like an involuntary twitch caused by a deep psychological disturbance.

There is bad dialogue and abysmal performances, just as there should be in a Herschell Gordon Lewis homage. The problem is these dubious qualities aren’t included in homage to Lewis; they are in the film because Blood Diner has a hokey script and bad actors. The tongue is pretty far from the cheek here. It is a film that isn’t in on its own joke.

Scene from Blood DinerAnd yet Blood Diner is glorious. It’s a lot like watching your drunk, pervy uncle at a wedding; you aren’t laughing with him, but you sure as hell are laughing, particularly when he makes a scene. And Blood Diner is a movie that knows how to make a scene. In fact, Blood Diner is essentially one beautifully batshit scene after the other.

This is a film that gives us a naked cheerleader aerobics class massacre, naked karate, a rival diner owner who relies on a ventriloquist’s dummy, deep fried fingers, a deep fried head, said deep friend head getting knocked off by a shovel. All of this culminates in an astonishing musical finale featuring a band of Hitlers. And let’s not forget the wrestling subplot and the fat guy that just won’t die, no matter how many times he’s run over by a truck blasting mambo music.

Herein lies the film’s genius. While most exploitation films are defined by a few singular memorable moments, this film is all memorable moments. It sustains a level of drink-your-own-urine insanity throughout. It never bores, never feels hackneyed and keeps surprising you with each new bonkers turn of events.

What makes this film even more noteworthy is its Director Jackie Kong. She is not only a female director, but a female horror director. A female exploitation horror director. A female exploitation horror director working in the eighties for that matter. Mad props to you, Ms Kong. Check out her wonderfully retro website and instantly improve your day.

Blood Diner never got a single DVD release, although it does feature in some dodgy looking horror DVD compilations. This is a shame because this is a film that deserves a large cult following. Not because it’s so bad that its good, but because its sheer inventiveness will make your forgive the film all of its ineptitude.

Laura Hall

Follow @MsLauraHall on twitter

Image: 366weirdmovies.com & IMDb

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