Last week was the big reveal that they had been teasing since finally revealing the overall theme of the season. So, really, the theme of AHS season six is teasing people. Now that we know we are going to be watching the found footage of people who died after returning to Roanoke, we think we know what’s going on. But do we?
The members of the production office of My Roanoke Nightmare are immediately slaughtered by none other than the Butcher. Well, really, it’s Agnes in full insanity mode which is exactly what Sidney had hoped for. Careful what you wish for, huh? Before this happens, though, we get to see Sidney be a complete dick while watching Matt and Dominic fight. Basically, he’s reenacting a scene from Unreal here, but it’s still great fun to watch. As the camera operator sees Rory get attacked by the nurses, they hear screaming outside. Like any good characters in a horror film, they go to investigate the strange noise outside. And like any good character in a horror film from the last decade, they film it all. Agnes goes buck wild on them with that meat cleaver and while Sidney definitely deserved to die, I’m going to miss him.
Meanwhile back at the house, Rory is missing and none of the actors believe that anything fatal has happened to him. Monet asks the one question of Matt that we’re all wondering: why did you come back? This will be revealed later, but for now, they’re all happy to believe that Rory left for an audition.
Agnes is in the cellar talking to the camera in her wackadoo accent. Predictably, some weird stuff happens with the lights and the camera and she then finds herself surrounded by a truckload of those Not Blair Witch stick figures.
Dominic enters the confessional and breaks it all down for us. “You know what I love about reality tv the most? The bad guy. Puck, Omarossa, that crazy bitch with the fake leg, yeah, I did my homework. Sure, I care about Shelby. I mean, she is fine, but Sidney paid me to come back for one reason and one reason only. Ratings.” Now, this was a hilariously true send up of reality television and it’s storied history with villains. Dominic is equipped with a body camera, a desire to be the lead and he has no qualms about being a dick to everyone else in the house. This attitude will prove helpful in order to move other people’s storylines along.
Agnes tries to kill Shelby, but Dominic stops her. After waiting for over an hour for someone from production to show up, Monet, Lee and Audrey try to use the secret passageway out of the house, but they are confronted by the real Edward Mott. Somehow, they find themselves outside. How did they get outside? They were using the secret tunnel to get outside, but Edward stopped them, yet, they ended up in the middle of the woods. Anyway… these three ladies are out in the woods looking for the production trailer and they find it, but Agnes finds them. Lee shoots Agnes, they see the angry mob of Roanoke settlers and then Audrey starts talking to the camera. Or, rather, she starts talking to Rory and it’s really annoying which is why it’s only partly irritating when we learn that Rory is conveniently hanging above her, eviscerated and bleeding all over her face. And just when it doesn’t seem like things can get more coincidental, the Polks show up and take the ladies back to where they’ve been hiding out.
This whole business with the Polks is interesting only because the actors portraying the real life Polks are so bad that they’re good. You can’t just go from Frances Conroy to an unknown and act like that’s o.k. So, these actors are hamming it up like they’re in their first community theatre production of Deliverance and it’s hilarious. From making Lee oil and season her own leg to making Monet and Audrey eat Lee’s leg meat, the whole encounter is over the top. Too over the top.
Agnes performs self surgery on her bullet wound while saying, “blood,” in her hilarious accent while Matt is finally summoned by the Gaga. He loves Gaga and he only came back for her. Dominic fulfills his duty of shit stirrer by waking Shelby up so he can show her exactly what is going on down in the basement. Shelby totally loses her mind and bludgeons Matt. It’s almost on the scale of Negan taking out Glenn. Almost.
So, here’s what. I have faithfully watched every episode of AHS since day one. Even when they went off of the rails in Freakshow, I’ve been ride or die. And I am completely unashamed to love my trashy reality television, so, it seems as though this season would be everything I had ever wished for in my entertainment. It’s not. From Ms. Paulson’s weak British accent, Ms. Bates’s outlandish accent, Lee being a completely unlikable character, Angela Bassett and Lady Gaga being, mostly, wasted and now an episode that felt like that really awful horror movie we’ve all been subjected to on Netflix, this season is too much. Too many characters, too many storylines, too many bad accents and too many switch-ups with the central storyline. Don’t forget that the season finale is, allegedly, going to be different from what we’re currently watching. That’s three separate ideas in a ten episode season. That is too fucking much. Being the Ryan Murphy apologist that I am, though, I hold out hope that when the season ends, it will all come together in some amazing way. Who knows. Maybe all of this bad acting is completely intentional and, in the big picture, it will all make sense.
“I asked for a salad.” “Yeah, well, we’re in North Carolina. If it’s not breaded and fried, it’s not edible.” This is, mostly, a true statement.
Dominic calling out a Real Housewife was my favorite moment of the season so far.
Audrey’s constant quips about how Americans love blood shed got old real quick. It’s an easy jab and it’s not a particularly clever one at that.
“Best thing for you to do is confess and go quietly.” If only OJ Simpson had taken this advice back before Cuba played him.
The way everyone says, “blood” makes me always think of this kid
Lisa Fremont | Twitter: @lcfremont
Images: IMDb & Hyable.com